


you found me.

by Laeana



Series: the blood we spilled on the floor [1]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: 2021, Angst and Feels, Bittersweet, Childhood Trauma, Future Fic, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jos Verstappen's A+ Parenting, Loneliness, Love Confessions, M/M, Near Death, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post-Break Up, Suffering, Violence, Voicemail, bad but not too bad ending?, daniel as lando's teammate, daniel distancing himself from max, idk what to say about this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:31:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25400158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laeana/pseuds/Laeana
Summary: Of all the things Max would have thought their relation wouldn’t survive, he never thought about Daniel going to Mclaren.Because, hey what, they survived when Daniel went to Renault. They even reinforced their bonds after all of this …Then why is everything seems so different this time ?---For Daniel, one thing is certain. He needed this break, he needed to go away, he needed to feel himself again, because they had something but that something made him suffocate.The story becomes more and more complicated when Max needs him the most and he's not around.
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen
Series: the blood we spilled on the floor [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1931596
Comments: 8
Kudos: 74





	you found me.

He looks up to the blue sky. So, so blue. And he wonders once how did he manage to get here, what is he doing here. Painkillers, bruises all over his body. He doesn't feel anything, he doesn't want to feel anything.

From this empty bed, where everything is so, so white. He hears the door open. But he doesn't want to see him. 

He closes his eyes.

* * *

New season. New luck, new opportunities. Max doesn't think about it, never thinks about it. He manages his life at best, he doesn't want to think about what he has lost, the people he will not see again or the time he has lost.

It all starts with the first race in Australia, a good start. A solid p2 and 2021 starts well, really starts. He wants to do even better, to prove that he is in the right place.

He wants to break away from his father.

And he thinks he can do it.

He’s especially looking forward to see his boyfriend, whom he didn’t see enough during the break, but what he doesn’t expect is that their relationship ends just like that and-

After that, he’s in free fall.

* * *

Daniel has always been one of his main supports in his daily life. Same building, apartments next door. A friend he could count on, a boyfriend who never let him down.

It doesn't take long before he realizes that the Australian has even blocked his number and it doesn't work, and he can't get past that.

Race, race, always more.

He swallows kilometers and races in the hope that his pain will melt into the adrenaline of the moment. But at the end of the Grand Prix, he’s still himself and the one he loves has still not returned to him.

It is like tides that he manages to push back but which always come back stronger and in these moments, he can only get carried away, drowned in the flow.

He talks with Lando, Lando, Daniel's teammate, what a joke. With Pierre too, sometimes, less, he looks for confidants. He has the feeling of not being surrounded enough and it’s not the kind of feeling which disappears quickly but rather which is reinforced with each gesture, each action which sinks him.

The words that replay in his head, what he is accused of. He closes his eyes and sees, he sees a little too much of this last argument.

“ _Being ashamed of him_ ” “ _Not assuming_ ” “ _Putting his own interests before_ ”, the “ _It’s no longer the same than before_ ”…

A smile stains his lips, no joy.

As if he could be ashamed of  _ Daniel Ricciardo _ .

No matter what races he wins, the podiums he rides on and the comments, the compliments he collects, he feels empty.

So he ...

So, quite simply, he starts using Daniel's answering machine, to fill his inbox with voicemails that he will probably never hear. He discards emotions which he doesn’t want.

“ **Hi, Dan, it's me. I don't even know if I can still call you that. I ... my mother is suing my father. Separation measure, all that. Prohibition to approach too close. I don't know if it affects me but ... damn it, I doubt it too much. I don't want to be like him. I asked Christian to restrict his access, as you advised me. I hope you are doing well, you seem to be doing well from what I see on the paddock. I… goodbye.** ”

A ritual that he doesn’t think will last, but now the messages pile up, one on top of the other. He is hesitant but he does it. Hard moments, moments of hesitation.

He misses Daniel terribly.

And yet-

Yet he’s only supposed to be a few meters away.

* * *

Max pauses in his messages but everything gets carried away during the GP of the Netherlands. A “home” race as we can say. He has always managed to have only rare interactions with Daniel who is polite with him. At most.

Half of the year is almost over.

He doesn’t want to think about the fact that the circuit is much closer to home than the others they have made, much closer to his father, and although the possibility touches him, he hopes that it will not happen.

Seeing his father an hour before the race is the worst thing that can happen to him.

He looks for the exit, feels like an animal caught in a cage and when hands come to shake around his neck, he struggles as much as he can though-

These blue, icy pupils, facing him ...

Reignite an infant terror. He could never get rid of it. 

He emerges in one fell swoop and walks back to his dressing room to lock himself in there. He lets himself slide against his door, big tears roll down his cheeks as he searches for air, too difficult to find.

“ _It was never against you !_ ” what Max wanted to say to Daniel, “ _I don't know how to love properly, I'm sorry. I don't know how to love, but I know that I love you, it's always been you._ ”

He grabs his phone in a gesture and the ideas confused, he dials a number he knows by heart. To fall on the messaging service, as usual.

“ **Daniel … Daniel, please. Daniel, he's here, I don't know what to do. Please…** ”

The phone escapes him and time runs out and he has to go back to the garage to start the race. He isn’t in condition, but he must do so. 

And, of course, Daniel-

Daniel never comes.

* * *

He gets out of his car without saying anything. He failed to calm down before the Grand Prix. He is not the type of person who puts his emotions before the race, because the race is the race, the rest of his problems can be managed after.

He doesn’t even glance at the damage on his car and Christian looks at him with a sad understanding in his eyes as he returns to the garage.

Crashing heavily after twenty laps. He has a sore leg but the doctor who examined him diagnoses him nothing serious. He’s clear. Nothing takes away the pain he has to his throat.

“We got him out of the garage, Max.”

“I am sorry.”

His voice is struggling to come out. He wants to cry. He must be stronger, then he bites the inside of the cheek to remain impassive. The rain will wash away his emotions. 

“It's okay, you're not the first to go out. The rain did some damage, I believe that we are not at the end of the accidents. Nothing you can't make up for. Go rest ?”

“Thank you.”

Weather allows him to dodge the interviews, but he has already perceived the whispers and the looks that were thrown at him. Mute questions. The slightly visible purple mark above his collar and now his race.

He wants to silent all these voices.

* * *

He think back to their fight and, oh boy, he always has been so bad at defending himself. Especially in front of Daniel, because Daniel has this ability to read straight in his mind.

Or at least he thought so.

But when it all happened, he was so disarmed, he couldn't even form a correct sentence and this time ... this time Daniel has been merciless.

“ **Are you okay ? I saw your crash and …** ”

Max is adjusting the phone to hold it in a better way. He continues to absently write a few words, sentences that don't always make sense. Only missed opportunities anyway.

“Yes, Lando, yes. I got out of it without too much trouble, it was worse for the car. I saw that you made a podium ? Sorry that I couldn't congratulate you in person.”

“ **Thank you ! it wasn’t complicated, almost half of the drivers were out of the race.** ”

“Don't bash yourself like that. So, the podium with Carlos ?”

“ **Weird. I wanted to do one when we were still on the same team, not like that. But hey, it's good to ... to see him a little more.** ”

He nods. Complicated relationship but at least they are still together. He swallows his tears.

“ **I learned that your father had come to the paddock, did- Oh, Daniel ! I have Max on the phone, would you come to greet him ?** ”

This sentence freezes him. He shakes his head quickly and before Lando has time to do anything else, he dodges.

“No, sorry, I have to go, bye bye.”

He hangs up.

He always ends up rejecting those who care about him. He doesn’t believe that they can understand and he doesn’t want pity by anyone. He wants help, without really wanting it. Undecided.

“ **Daniel, it's me again. Are we really reduced to this ? To avoid each other, to ignore each other ? I don't understand, I ... I know what you're blaming me for, but I can do better, I don't want ... it's no use for me to say that but I ...** ”

He closes his eyes, hangs up again. He is a coward, such a coward, that he’s not even sure to choose life in the end.

* * *

_ “What are you doing ?” _

_ Max turns around, facing his boyfriend, who has a sleepy look on his face, messy curls. He wants to run his hand through it. _

_ “I woke you up ?” _

_ “Not at all.” _

_ Daniel leans forward to kiss his lips and he simply smiles. He likes mornings like this. _

_ “Something’s wrong ?” _

_ “I …” _

_ He slips into the embrace that the Australian offers him without resisting.  _

_ “You know you can tell me everything ?” _

_ “It's just ... stuff about my father. I don't want to bore you with this. Nightmares that come back to me.” _

_ The oldest steps back and puts his hands on his cheeks, plunging his brown gaze into his. Worry and concern shining there. _

_ “Hey, you know you can tell me everything ? I’ll always be there for you, my love, always.” _

_ Daniel presses a kiss on his forehead. _

The return to reality is harder. Because no matter what promises were made, they were not kept. 

He's supposed to be happy, he's supposed to have everything he wants. A life, a career, money, celebrity. He didn't know that what he “was supposed to want” could weigh so heavy.

He didn't know that a void, that has settled there and that never left, could weigh so heavy on a life.

“ **I dreamed of us, you know. And it's weird to think that it's a bygone era when I never wanted it to end. And all these things that come to my mind right now, I don't even know, I ... I'm almost afraid of it but it's not something that scares me in the sense that I want to avoid it, because I have the impression that everything brings me back to it and I ...** ”

What is that even for ?

* * *

Max exchanges messages with his sister which certainly don’t please him because they speak about their father. And that does not bode well. His throat is tight. It never bodes well.

The following press conference is catastrophic. 

He does the thing that makes the most sense to him at the time. He gets up and leaves. But he should know that running away doesn’t solve anything since the criticisms and questions always come back louder. He can't always slip away, he will have to find the time to answer it but the truth is that-

He's so tired of running away.

Messages accumulate on the voicemail. He struggles to get a look from Daniel and never gets to say it. These three little words that he missed so much, that he still misses. 

He no longer has the confidence to even whisper them. He took so much blows that it’s hard to believe it and yet.

Yet he loves him.

Controversial.

He feels that the situation is getting worse as he goes along, he feels the gray clouds coming closer to cover the last few meters of sun he has. Why does it have to be so radical ?

* * *

A meal between the pilots. A fairly simple event. He wears a casual outfit and uses Alex's presence as a calming. His teammate looked critically but said nothing.

He didn’t get rid of his usual cap. He just wants to be fine, for once, for an evening. 

When his sister tells him that she is sure to have seen their father in the area several times-

He feels a slight pressure in his neck and in an instant, his cap is gone. He freezes for a moment before turning around and sees Daniel walking away, his cap in hand.

His surprise as he meets the brown eyes of the Australian must be visible since this one even ends up offering him a little smile. Almost shy.

It’s progressing in a way.

He sits at the table. 

It's a more pleasant moment than he would have imagined. Beside Lando and Alex with Carlos and Pierre in front of him, they manage to have good conversations and for a moment he forgets his situation.

Max forgets what he is facing. This whole affair with his father, his complicated feelings, his relationship with Daniel which has crumbled, RedBull's expectations which suffocate him and to which he knows not to pay attention, because he cannot afford to be under pressure, the media still buzzing about the questions he avoids and-

Charles has a pleasant smile on his lips, he doesn't particularly seem to think badly, they reach for dessert, but he drops a bomb.

“But I don't have Max's ability to extricate myself from interviews or press conferences.”

He didn’t follow the conversation which takes place a little further, he hears only this end and the color leaves his face. He suddenly finds an interest in the piece of cake on his plate but it doesn't work. Attention has already been redirected to him.

“Oh yes, I was quite surprised at the time.”

“About what already ?”

“His father I think.”

He almost has the reflex of bringing his hand to his neck but he knows very well that the marks have faded. He checked on their condition day after day. He doesn't want to talk about it, he really doesn't want to talk about it.

Fall back into the same spiral of thoughts. He knows very well that he didn’t have an easy childhood, he knows very well that it wasn’t normal, that nobody should have to undergo that, that this hardness which made him so much harm forged him in a way it shouldn't have, but he doesn't need pity, he doesn't need concerned looks, he'll just say that-

“Max ?”

He takes a shaky breath. He feels like he forgot to breathe. His lungs are sore.

“Is everything alright ?”

Max continues to run. He continues, until he can no longer, and right now, he can completely flee this situation. He gives a sharp look he hopes to the assembly.

“I was just thinking that Charles didn’t need this "ability", his beautiful mug already grants him all the rights.”

He knows he is shocking some but he is on his way and almost rushes towards the exit. The outside air does him good and after he-

He literally scatters. At full speed.

He feels so bad.

He doesn’t want to answer the question that everyone is asking. The question of “going well or not”. He doesn't like the truth, it's too ugly for him to want to see it.

“ **Fuck this meal, and fuck Charles and his damn smile. Everything was fine so why does it have to end like this ? Is it my fault ? Am I destined to never do anything right ? Answer me, Dan…** ” 

* * *

Max arrives on the circuit with a straight face. A little early. He’s impatient to compete in a new Grand Prix. He blends into the race. May his reason for living be Formula 1, the rest hurts him too much.

He amassed worried messages from several pilots following his hasty exit. He assumes that he wasn’t very convincing after all.

But nothing he can't handle.

Until something happens that he can't handle.

Everything breaks into a call from his sister. He is sitting in his room, changing, when his phone starts to vibrate.

“Vic ?”

“ **Max, I need you to come, please, I ... I don't know what to do.** ”

The panicked, almost broken tone. He frowns.

“ **He's here, he's in the house and I don't know what to do.** ”

“Call the police.”

“ **I … I can’t, I …** ”

“Vic !”

“ **Please, come, Max …** ”

He steps back a moment, looks at the date, the time. He cannot resist his sister's request, especially when she is in such a state.

“All right, I'm coming.”

He almost feels bad to book a flight. He's not far from home. From his house. In which he doesn't really come back anymore because it's stuffy. He loves his family but is at peace in Monaco.

He must contact Christian and Helmut but his decision is already made. He will not take too long before coming back, he will not miss the qualifications or the Grand Prix. A round trip, quickly.

* * *

He must be back by Saturday morning maximum. For the third free practice. 

The advantage of being the “golden boy” of RedBull, perhaps.

He blamed Charles a lot, but he doesn't feel much better at the moment.

* * *

“ **okay, wish me luck. I can't even be optimistic because I'm freaking scared there, Daniel. I wish you were there, I would like you to be by my side so much. I have to go take care of this somehow but, damn, Jos is at home, we have no idea what he wants. I don't feel strong enough for ... I have to be back for Saturday, I'm afraid of missing the race, I'm sorry. I don’t know where I am and I think it will get worse and worse. I l… see you later ? I hope…** ”

* * *

Shouts and objects fly in pieces around him. His cheek is burning but he knows it's not the worst, it will never be the worst. Words are always the worst. The most horrible. This is what reaches his heart.

This man's words should no longer do anything to him.

But it's still his father.

He defends himself but he faces an unrivaled fury and while he is looking for something to cling to, in his life, he is amazed to find ... nothing.

He can't think of anything.

It feels like falling, falling, falling. No escape. No escape and he's having trouble breathing. He's always looking for excuses.

Fag. Poof. Disgusting. Disappointing. Horrible. Abomination. Horror ... vocabulary well flowed that reaches his ears.

A blow in his stomach more violent than the others. What a bad idea to come alone, because he is an eternal fugitive, because he has absolutely no courage to face the monster who terrorized him all his childhood. Who mistreated him, who taught him life in the darkest way. 

And despite having grown up, he is still terrorized. He takes the blows and his vision darkens after a while and his supports weaken. Arms covered with contusions, body covered with bruises.

He ends up falling to the ground. He is almost unaware that his ordeal is over. He hears a door closing in the background.

He said he was a coward, but his father is not much better.

A family trait ?

That makes them a similarity.

It's funny how you can always delay the inevitable by a few minutes, seconds, and distract yourself from what is really happening. To be there without really being.

And lying on the ground, in the middle of all the shards of his life spread around him, there is blood everywhere and he doesn't even feel the pain anymore because he doesn't feel anything at all and-

Ah, he's going to miss this race week.

* * *

You cannot foresee that, by moving away, by disappearing from someone's life, this same person could fall apart.

Max has always been okay, with or without him.

With a worn heart, Daniel dropped what he had been clinging to for so long. Tired, too tired, to advance alone in this storm. He needed a break, time alone. He needed to stop.

He was falling apart in this relationship. Piece by piece, day after day, so painful. Without ever wanting to reproach his half, but the bitterness that accumulates and that becomes too present to be masked always ends up being the fault of the other.

But it's something that everyone has noticed. His fatigue, his lack of desire. His forces drawn to the benefit of his couple. Although-

Although he doesn’t want to find any fault with this relationship because he loves Max. He never stopped loving him.

It's just that it destroyed him. Inside. And suddenly, relieved of this weight, he feels as if he can breathe for the first time in months. 

Smile authentic.

* * *

There are questions from all sides. On the paddock, in the press, at RedBull. Where is Max Verstappen ? Two free practices missed, a total absence in this Grand Prix, when he seems to have been seen before the start of this one.

And if that, isn’t abnormal.

Daniel glances at the garage further away. A certain nervousness which escapes from it. Serious discussions, as they reach the end of the second free practice.

Then the new comes out-

Max will not participate in this Grand Prix at all. 

A cataclysm.

Christian is responsible for justifying the absence of his driver and he hears him from afar. Family problems and it frankly frowns him. 

So he undoes an action he took months ago. He unlocks Max's number and then his phone vibrates and his eyes go wide-

So many missed messages and calls.

So he does what he thinks is right. He listens to all these bits of life that litter his voice mail, one by one. And his heart literally rises. It's not good, and how can you pretend that long ? And why does Max always have to be so stubborn ?

He avoids the main subject. 

He avoids the fact that he is angry with himself.

Because it's awful. Because it’s a terrible situation. Because it was his right to leave when he was suffocating, when he had done everything. Because he still loves him.

Oh, he loves him.

* * *

“Victoria, sorry to ask you that-”

“ **Why are you calling me ?** ”

“What happened to Max ?”

“ **You choose the right time to worry about him, Daniel.** ”

Biting irony, perhaps, that he deserves.

“I need to know, please.”

“ **…** ”

A silence that speaks volumes. It's serious.

“Please.”

“ **… hospital.** ”

Barely a whisper.

“?”

“ **He's at the hospital dammit. At the hospital, I ... it's my fault, I ... my god …!** ”

* * *

“Did your father do that ?”

This phrase from Daniel opens their conversation. He doesn't look good, he has so many injuries all over his body. The doctors told him that they had trouble bring him back. He bites his lip at the thought. It might have been better if they hadn't.

“Why are you here ?”

The Australian at his bedside touches his wounds with the tips of his fingers. Even bandaged, he feels the soft, delicate touch.

“Bruises, broken bones, internal trauma and cuts …”

The oldest stops there, all at once.

"Cuts ? Ah, they're from my dad ..."

He doesn't look up.

"You're a very bad liar, you know that ?" says Daniel harshly.

He leans a bit in front, he doesn't want to see him, he wonders why he is here. They are in Netherlands and few could know about what he intended to do except ... if he read the messages he left him.

"You should go, I don't even know why you're here. This doesn't concern you."

"Of course it does."

"No it doesn't."

"Yes it does."

"No."

"It does concern me !"

"Oh yeah ? Did it concern you when you blocked my number ? When you began to ignore me ? When you disappeared the moment I needed you the most in my life ?"

Max screams literally right now but his whole body shakes. His eyes are wet. Oh, he hates himself so much for being that weak in front of Daniel.

"I-"

"Get out of my room, I said ! I don't want to see you, I don't want to hear about you, I just want to be left alone ! Why do you think I wanted to die so badly ?"

Daniel is left speechless, drown into those two beautiful blue eyes, into the despair he can see in those.

"When he - When he failed to kill me and leave me agonizing on the floor of this cold and suffocating house, I thought - I thought it was a shame he couldn't at least do me that favor."

His breathing are quick. He shivers.

"And I didn't want to be there neither. I just grabbed the shards of the frame he broke on me and I simply dug them further in my skin. Waiting either for ... for it to kill me or to die from my wounds."

The sun is covered by some clouds. It is alike his emotions. Pain and pain and pain. Not from his whole body, quite ironic. He meets Daniel's gaze and stares at him blankly.

"I hope you're happy to find me alive, congratulations."

He can see something's breaking in the aussie's eyes.

"But that doesn't mean you're able to save me."

A part of Max is already dead, he fears nothing will ever be able to bring it back to life.

And a part of Daniel is slowly dying, echoing to their past memories, with this relationship he never has been able to totally bury.

And when someone tries something once, how can you know if he wouldn't do it again ?

And, in the end, what was the words Max tried to tell him ? What was he hesitating on, in all those calls who never found a listener ?

And he can try, try, really try to reach him once again, but, after all ...

That's Daniel who wanted to be for Max just somebody he used to know.

**Author's Note:**

> So yes, I only had in mind one part and it was then end, i decided to then adapt myself to it and here i am with something that's not really really happy. Since I end it here, it may have alternatives, this is not because i put a dot to this story that nothing happens after ...
> 
> But there, we had a pretty photo yesterday, everyone was so happy and me, I'm out of synch x) (nah truth is i wanted to post this yesterday morning but i hadn't time, a shame), i hope that it pleased you however to dive with me into this writing and i hope i didn't do too much (i already have the impression that this ending is not good, honestly), thanks for having read !
> 
> tumblr (where i often made edits of things alike) : laeana


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